2014: A Charlotte Odyssey
What a year, gang. The Fehling Clan traded in its Raleigh acorns for Charlotte’s…Banks? Newly-paved everything? Flying insects and black jungle cats? Duggar-style living with seven 8-and-under cousins all on one street? Yeah, we did it. We moved. And Charlotte welcomed us with a firm handshake and a “We’ll take all of you except Cal.” It’s been a magical five months.
Alas, the Charlotte move wasn’t everything that happened this year, just the biggest. Here are some of the other high(and low)lights:
Jake aka Dad aka The Creepy Sweatpants Guy at the Bus Stop
Jake now works from home, which means he shaves and applies soap once a quarter. He crossed Napa and the Raleigh Young Professionals Network off his bucket list this Fall, both of which, coincidentally, came about 10 years too late. He was honored to host 12,874 of his closest friends and strangers on his basement floor in his hometown of Pinehurst for the U.S. Open. Jake enjoys scaring women and children when he shows up to the bus stop “in costume” wearing an actual suit and tie, and with the Hornets and Panthers nearby, he now owns more teal clothing than anyone since 1994.
Page aka Kristen aka Tia aka Mom aka Did I Just See You on a Billboard aka Wait If That’s Her Why Does She Look Homeless Off Camera
Page now anchors the morning show for FOX 46 in Charlotte, and thanks to an insane ad campaign that has her smiling at truckers on I-85 and drunken twenty-somethings on the Lynx Train, she’s easily the 3,891,000,009th most famous person in northern South Carolina. She is obsessed with her daughter and is increasingly lukewarm on her sons. Page’s propensity to wear doctor scrubs and 40-year-old sweatsuits is rivaled only by retired doctors from Newark. She sleeps just slightly more than a jellyfish (look it up), and thanks to training from her Crossfitting sister-in-law, Page can now do .07 pullups.
Ford aka Just Sit Down Already aka Olivia’s Boyfriend
Ford said adios to the Spanish language and his harem of chicas in preschool, and said HELLOOOOOAHHHHHPOOPIEFACEPOOPIEBUTT!!!!! to Kindergarten. He took to bus riding like a Fehling takes to making ridiculous open-mouthed screaming faces for photos, and he hasn’t looked back. He claims to have his first girlfriend, but either he is lying or all behavioral indicators point toward her having mad “playing hard to get” game at the age of five. He enjoys reciting the “magic” words he learns in school, which, oddly enough, seem to be pee, poop, and butt nearly every week. Sigh…public school. He just finished tee-ball, where opposing team parents lovingly joked that his folks must have bought his birth certificate in Santo Domingo, and he just kicked off his first basketball season. Through one game, he’s already shattered a city record for most walks, knee slides and apparent seizures. We heart him.
Cal aka Is That Voice a Joke aka Good Lord Someone Turn off That Car Alarm
CAL HAS MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…ahem, sorry. Cal still thinks he’s in Raleigh, so it’s really no use giving a Charlotte update on him. Suffice it to say his voice still sounds like a Vitamix trying to make a smoothie out of rusty fish hooks and garage door paneling. That said, he’s still the funniest human being on the planet. He spends 91% of his life in only underpants, and he eats anything except vegetables. He knows 7 of 26 alphabet letters and counts by two once he hits 12. We just had his parent-teacher conference, and his teacher said, “Cal…awwwww snap…Cal’s my BoogaWooga.” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves, Miss Tawana.
June aka The Walking Get Out of Jail Free Card aka My Dad Stabs Male Toddlers That Stare at My TuTu
June is absurdly cute. As in, like, makes you involuntarily vomit, cute. She rocks two “whale spout” ponytails on top of her head, and thanks to her we now have a line item worth 45% of our family budget for “All Pink Everything.” June is trying very hard to talk and is making incredible strides, just this week calling Santa “Bob” and Ford “Bubba.” She also calls Jake “Bab” and Page “Bobba,” so her parents think they’re working with a real savant here. She loves dogs, beans and ripping through diapers just as soon as her sweating father finishes applying it…and her tights…and dress…and socks…and boots…and PAGEIMGOINGTOKILLYOUFORMAKINGMEPUTALLTHISCRAPONHEREVERYMORNING. She is her parents’ favorite, and it ain’t close.
As you can see, 2014 was a special year. We miss Raleigh, but Charlotte brought us closer to family and… well, we haven’t made any friends other than them down here yet, so everyone we’ve ever met from Raleigh, DC, NYC, etc. we’d love for you to come visit. Seriously, please come see us…
We love all y’all BoogaWoogas,
The Fehlings
p.s. Jake is unreasonably excited that this marks year three of our Christmas card being sent via “Mail….Kimp?” He hopes – and assumes – you all got that Serial joke, but likely it just made this entire email fall flat. Merry Christmas.
p.p.s. Big thanks to Weslie Woodley Photography for the great pic!
